Thursday, March 17, 2011

Are You There, G-d? It's Me, Egg

I'm having an 8th-grade health class moment. Bear with me.

You all know far too much about my wonky cycle -- how, pre-H, it would never happen on its own. How it suddenly seemed to happen spontaneously after H hatched, and made natural conception a possibility (although a far-fetched one, to my mind). Between January and February, I had a 32-day cycle, so this month I thought there was a very good chance it would be about the same.

So day 32 comes and goes and I have no AF but I do have serious cramping and, even though I know better, I think there is a possibility I could be pregnant. And what I think about that, friends, is shocking. Sit down. Ready? I am not elated. I am horrified.

Seriously. I look at my little H, still -- even though he is full on walking now, and trying to talk up a storm -- just a little baby. And I feel like I've committed an irreversible betrayal, that I've infringed upon his sweet, parental-attention absorbing innocence by possibly welcoming -- nay, creating -- an interloper that will seriously mess with his world, in which all things currently rise and set around him. And I am sort of sick about it.

So I POAS and I see the familiar one line of days past, and I feel relief. And then slight disappointment (I never said I was easily pleased, or that my feelings and thoughts made any sense). But more relief than anything.

I call the nurse at my RE's office the next day, to see what she thinks about no period. Could the surgery have somehow delayed it? Are we dealing with a possible return of scar tissue or PCOS? She says she is not sure but that women often see normal variation of up to a week from cycle to cycle. I realize how clueless I am about normal reproductive operation and hang up feeling ridiculous.

I wait and wait, and then finally AF arrives without fanfare on Monday. So we're talking about a 39-day cycle. Which is better than what I had before (months and months without anything at all), but still makes it a bit of a challenge to think about trying for a baby, although I'm sure my husband, like most husbands, would be very glad to make the attempt on CDs 14-26. Because strangely enough, I'm still interested in trying, even despite the feelings of ambivalence I had when I thought I might actually have gotten pregnant in the first month of trying (ha).

I am left with lots of questions, dear readers, like I'm in puberty, redux:

-How much variation do you see in your cycles?
-And especially for those with wonky ovulation who may have experience with OPKs, how much variation did that cause with your ovulation day?
-When should I use an OPK -- what days? Do they really work for someone with PCOS tendencies?
-Is this all totally pointless? We all know it is probably not going to work.

Please don't harm me for saying this, but IVF suddenly seems quite tidy, predictable and overall not that bad.


Roccie said...

I wish I had one ounce to contribute.

OPK. Ha! As if for this eggless shack.

Never give up. Remember the stories of R and N. They tied it all up neat and bellyfull.

anofferingoflove said...

my cycles were pretty predictable...until i started ttc, then they went wonky (stress, much?) i generally started poas around day 7 (i screwed up a cycle by not testing before day 10 once and never wanted to repeat that mistake!). what i did was use the cheap opks for the early days, then switch to the digital opks once a faint line started to show on the cheapies. saved money and allowed me to poas obsessively.

i know what you mean about ivf seeming tidy and predictable. i totally get that.

Hillary said...

I don't have PCOS, but I've been told I have somewhat polycystic-looking ovaries. Before IVF and acupuncture (and post Depo Provera birth control), my cycles were ridiculous and all over the place. Now they're pretty regular, but I still seem some variation, like anywhere from 29-32 days. However, every once in a while I have a crazy 39 day cycle.

As far as OPKs go, I've found that my ovulation date can vary, but I always start my period 12 days after ovulation. I start using my OPKs on about CD 13 (since I know ovulating on day 14 wouldn't be likely), and continue until I get my positive. I really like the digital OPKs too, since I think judging the darkness of lines on my own is way too subjective.

WhooshieCU said...

This may be a super dumb comment, and if so, I'm sorry. Is there any reason you are not on/have not tried Metformin? I know it is off label to use it to treat PCOS (or even psudo PCOS), but I know SEVERAL women who had issues with ovulation/regular cycles (due to PCOS), and for whatever reason, Metformin made the world of difference.

I would get a few OPKs the first month or two and just go at it to establish a pattern, if possible.

Good luck! Love the blog!

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