Tuesday, July 12, 2011

A Change Will Do You Good?

I'm having an odd existential moment that reminds me, not in an entirely pleasant fashion, of my college years. Having just turned 35 on Saturday, you'd think this would be welcome, but in the end, the thing that's supposed to be so nice about 35 is that you can finally unload all the angst. So, not really.

But before I go on, I just need to tell you the song that's going through my head, because of course when you're having an angsty moment, you need a soundtrack from those eight years of high school and college. The song is "I'm trying to tell you something about my life, maybe give me insight between black and white...the best thing you've ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously...it's only life after all. (Yeah.)." Name that tune! Maybe now it will stop playing over and over, although to be fair, if you're going to have a song on mental repeat that's not a horrible one to have.

Anyway, when last I whined to the Internet, I was trying to sell our house and thought THAT was the stressful part.

The house sold. I was wrong.

The stressful part is actually trying to figure out where the hell to live when you have a child whose entire future seems to hang in the balance of that decision. Where will he get the best education? Where will he find really good friends? Where will he be happy?

So basically, when faced with the above questions, one option is to totally shut down and not make the decision at all, which is essentially what we've done. We're in temporary housing for the summer, ostensibly while we figure out where to live and actually buy a house, but for now, it seems, to buy us time to agonize about it some more. We're really good at that.

Meanwhile, one of our cats, who was adopted just a month after we got married nearly 11 years ago, died on July 4. Losing a pet absolutely sucks. It feels horrible and sad and helpless and is strange to mourn. There's really nothing else to say about that other than that it's contributing to all the change that is making me so angsty.

My husband's job is sort of in a weird time and place since his company was bought by a major, household-name company. His group seems to be coming unraveled and we just don't know what that means for his future there. Another possible change.

Oh, and I've got baby #2 on the brain. Not anywhere near in the same way that baby #1 was on the brain, but it's there. I'm 35 now officially, and I get that people have babies much older than that, but as established before, we're already dealing with a known fertility issue. So I've been trying to figure out my cycle (which continues to be regular, miracle of miracles) and really give it a serious try (more on this later) before we meet with my doctor in late August.

And last but not least, there's H. He changes every. Single. Day. Another word, a new awareness of something. A whole new way to interact with him, really talking to him and having him listen and communicate back. At 17 months he really feels like a little person now, and it's thrilling and scary and joyful and sad all at once.

So all this change is adding up to major anxiety, because unlike most evolved humans I am terrible at dealing with it, even though my easily bored mind would seem to welcome it. That's why I've been a little MIA, a little paralyzed by all these things I need to process and decisions I need to make and therefore a little driven to hibernate and try to figure it all out.


anofferingoflove said...

closer to fine, by my beloved indigo girls!! :D [...well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable. and lightness has a call that's hard to hear. i wrap my fear around me like a blanket. i sailed by ship of safety til i sank it, i'm crawling on your shore!] okay, now it's in my head too!

congrats on selling your house! no small feat in this craptastic economy. i hear you on the pressure of finding a new one though; we are facing the same issue in the next year or so.

baby #2 ....squee!!! :D

Roccie said...

There she is! My silent stressy one. Get that shit off your chest. Indigo Girls indeed, thanks for the ringer for the rest of the day.

I am sorry about your cat. Losing childhood pets was brutal enough. I cannot imagine what it is like to lost your very own adult pet. I am really sorry - too many reminders around the house I bet.

Your house situation causes me anxiety just reading it. I SO get it. Rocco and I bat it back and forth all the time as well. Hell, I am still caught up worrying about regular schools vs Montessori, let alone what village to live in!! Take your time - great move. You could also get a real buying advantage by waiting, right? Best wishes with the evaluation.

My H man. On the grow. This makes me smile - you can tell you treasure every single second with him.

Number 2 is such an exciting time to plan and worry. Be strong. You have beaten the worst already and there is no reason you wont succeed again.

Anonymous said...

Happy belated birthday! 35 is a hard one. It takes a while to adjust to.

Congratulations on selling the house. Thank you for your comment a while back about selling your house. We really just want to be done and move on, despite the loss of money. That completely sucks that you had to bring a check to closing. It is a huge decision, choosing a new home/neighborhood/school district. Take your time if you need to. Choosing a great school district was hugely important to us, along with proximity to my husband's work, so he would have a shorter commute. We looked for probably 8 months before deciding to build a house in a new development. That is one of the reasons we did not sell the old house sooner.

I am so, so sorry about the loss of your kitty. It is so awful to lose a beloved member of your family. Sending virtual hugs your way.

That's great that your cycles continue to be regular. I hope that makes TTC#2 much easier.

Jamie said...

MIA is totally understandable. Totally.

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