Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Invitation

I just declined a baby shower invitation. I got it a couple of weeks ago, right after I found out. I wasn't surprised at all when I found it in the mailbox, both because I was expecting it and because I've come to expect that the universe thinks it's funny to mess with me.

This shower is for a former co-worker, the loveliest girl you'd ever hope to meet. This is her first baby. She was the only person at work who knew I was going through infertility when I was going through IVF for H. She gave me an ear when I was desperate for one during the work day and, although she wasn't married at the time or remotely in the realm of babymaking, she was sympathetic and thoughtful. But the shower is next Saturday, I'm still walking around with a dead fetus in me and it just feels ill-advised to go. I just keep thinking of the advice we received in my mind-body program for infertility, to look at times like this with an eye toward self-protection. We got permission to say no to events like baby showers, without guilt.

So then why do I feel like such an asshole?

This feels just like the time when I said no to a college girlfriend's baby shower, when I'd just found out about my pregnancy with H -- I was pregnant, for crying out loud, with a good pregnancy -- and everything felt so tenuous and fragile, and I was still terrified. I just couldn't handle sitting there looking at baby stuff when it was so uncertain whether it would be mine too, in nine months or ever. And as soon as I hit send on the decline, I felt selfish, like a miserable person whose happiness for friends was contingent on her own fortune, an even fertility score.

What, exactly, am I so afraid of? I am not prone to public meltdowns. I'm pretty sure I can avoid a Kristen Wiig/Bridesmaids moment and restrain myself from knocking over the chocolate fondue fountain or attacking the giant cookie during the event. I'm already miserable, so even if I cried in the car all the way home, it really wouldn't be much different from what I'm doing now.

I definitely wouldn't attack the cookie. I could be gracious. I can be happy for others. I am. But I just couldn't bring myself to go and sit and look at the onesies. I couldn't say yes.

9 comments:

birdsandsquirrels said...

Please do not feel bad about declining. It would be absolute torture to have to go to a baby shower right now, no matter how much you like the person. Self preservation is completely necessary. Many hugs to you Egg.

Turia said...

That is OK, Egg. If she is as lovely as you say she is, she will understand why you were not able to be there. Don't torture yourself by going, or by making yourself feel guilty about not going.
xoxo
T.

findyourspark.blogspot.com said...

Hi,
I want to first say how sorry I am that you have had to endure another loss of a precious baby. There are no words to describe the pain of losing a child. I will pray for you. I poured through your blog and found myself nodding my head in agreement with much of what you've shared. Especially, the due date you grieved as 11/11/11 was the date I expected to bring home our identical twins. I also relate to the milestones getting blurred and overlapping with so many losses. Thank you for sharing your heart, and I pray each day becomes a little more bearable than the one before.

Caroline said...

Thanks for your kind comment on my blog.

Baby showers - ugh. They are hard. Even when it's for kind people. I would have declined too. I hope that it will come and go and you won't have to battle it out too much with guilt - that sneaky bastard.

Even if you hold it all together, you still would fake smile and look at those onesies and think of how different things should/could be fore you - and how different things could be for this new mama. Better to protect yourself from those sad thoughts and those negative ones that we just can't control, despite our best efforts.

I'm really sorry about all you've been through. Just so sorry. Enough is enough.

missohkay said...

Hi, I'm here via LFCA. I'm so sorry for your losses. Reading through your back posts, I just wanted to say that as a now-retired RPL-er, I am digging your dark humor. Hang in there & good luck with your decisions going forward. I know it's not a fun place to be.

Mrs. Misfits said...

Also swinging in from LFCA. I am sorry for these losses. It was this community of ladies out here who helped me find the strength to simply keep trying. Reading back a bit, I can see just what crap you've had to endure to sate the desire to continue to build a family. I am hoping that there are answers and that your next sweet baby will find you soon.

Panamahat said...

Finding you from LAFC, I wanted to let you know how sorry I am that you're going through RPL. I don't know yet about having a live baby but I've lost nine pregnancies so I've some experience with that side of things. It is hard on so many levels and you DO have to protect yourself, from all sorts of triggers both obvious and less so.

After years of tests and failed IVFs and failed egg donor IVFs I was finally diagnosed with a very simple issue (that I had been trying to tell everyone all along) - not enough progesterone in my luteal phase. And taking supplements when pregnant was just not enough to sustain them. I'm on regular HCG treatment now, plus naltrexone 4.5mg daily and have been for 9 months, to no avail. Not a single pregnancy, now I know what the problem is and have a chance at fixing it. How ironic. And at 42.5, how I wish someone could have discovered this years ago, when my eggs were more likely to be good. Too little, too late.

I guess what I am saying is that I hope you get some answers that help, and they they arrive in time to be of some practical use. Wishing you all the BEST luck as you move forward.

Roccie said...

You have been on my mind so very much lately. I fail to comment from my phone with the security measures, I often fail. Please, please know you have all of my love and support.

I just wish I could come over and sit w you.

K said...

I am sorry for you losses. I am in a similiar boat. Four unexplained losses since my daughter in 2009. It sucks. Looking forward to following.

 
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