Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Stuck.

So, picking up again, here's where we are.

The miscarriage isn't over, ladies and ladies. My last beta was on Saturday, and the level was...drumroll...1.6. This is down from 3.5 the week before. I've been bleeding again, for the past week and a half. I found out I was pregnant in October. The calendar says it's January. Will this one ever end?

Meanwhile, there was one final, craptastic piece of bad news I needed to hear about this loss: the result of the genetic testing. I suppose I'm grateful we had a result at all, as I realize this is not always the case. But it's not easy, no matter how mature and rational you think you can be, to hear about what was wrong with the fetus you thought might be your baby. I shook while the nurse told me this one had Trisomy 8. And although I knew it may not be totally advisable, I let her also share that it was XX.

We all build our own framework of how we think the world works: who God is, how we're all here, when we believe life begins. We listen to politicians debate the same, and sometimes we vote based on those beliefs. But those views are all theoretical, aren't they, until the lines are all blurred when we find out we're pregnant with a much-wanted baby and then it's gone as quickly as it came. Our frameworks break down. We're left with questions, curiosities. This fetus had a beating heart inside of me. Yet Trisomy 8 is a condition incompatible with life. So was it ever alive? Can you have a beating heart and not be alive? Was it ever really a girl if it could never actually be a person? It makes my head hurt. To say nothing of my heart.

When my beta finally reaches zero I will go in for a recurrent miscarriage panel to ensure nothing else is going on other than wonky, old eggs with genetic defects. Then I will try one IVF cycle and see if it works. I have no idea if it will, or if this is a good plan or where I will be if it doesn't work. Or if it does. At this point, I have questions and no answers.

Friends and family members are getting good pregnancy news. I have authentic, deep, boundless joy for them. Truly. But may I also admit this thought: why not me too? It wouldn't take anything away from anyone else, would it, for the universe to grant just one more? Why not a wait that ends with good news, just one more time, for this girl too?

6 comments:

Caroline said...

Oh I'm so sorry. That's a lot of news to digest. We didn't get the genetic testing after my miscarriage. It wasn't offered, we didn't ask. But I wonder. But maybe it's better for me just to wonder.

In December I had to go in for one more blood draw as my HcG hadn't returned to zero. I had found out I was pregnant in September (my last period was in August). What the what!? Here we are January, levels back to zero, should be 25 weeks. I wish I didn't still think about how far along I should be. But I do. I wish I was with all the others who are getting good news. Because yes, why not me too? I totally get that. And I wish the good news I've been hearing included you.

Turia said...

Oh hun. I am sorry. That is so much to take in.

Wishing you peace and strength to navigate through this journey. I wish it wasn't so bloody difficult.
xoxo
T.

Amelia said...

Having similar issues here, found out I was pregnant in November, that there was no heartbeat in December, and after 2 rounds of pills went in for a D&C that I'm *hoping* I'm just now finally finished bleeding from.

I'm so sorry things are going this way for you. Sending strength.

Ashley said...

Oh honey....there are no words. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers!

Elizabeth :: Bébé Suisse said...

We had parallel questions when we found out that what we thought was a growing baby was, actually, nothing. An empty sac. It made our heads and hearts hurt too, wondering how we could be so devastated over something that wasn't actually ever anything that could or would become a person.

I think the best answer is not based on science or fact but rather on our own perception. It's that that matters most.

Also: oooh. That is many weeks (months?) too long to be waiting for 0. I hope you get that big fat nothing soon, as well as a wait that ends with good news of the other big fat variety.

waterbelle44 said...

Hi there. I just wanted to pop out of the faceless interwebs to say that I really enjoy your blog and your writing, though I hate that this has happened to you to write about. I check in every few days hoping to hear an update about how things are going for you now. Hope you are doing OK.

 
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