Friday, August 2, 2013

Keeping the Dream Alive

I want this space to be about more than my continued battle with infertility and loss. I want it to be about playing in the sand with my H, and how sweet three is, how good it is to wake up every day and know I'm his mom. Because that's what my life is like, too.

But when you struggle to conceive and deliver, and you dare to wish for more than one child, there's this background noise of that struggle that won't be ignored.

I thought I was going for a routine saline sonogram today with my new RE, to make sure there was no scarring from the May D&C. I thought it would be straightforward, even if there was a small amount of scarring. But the truth is, and I never, ever say this, you know I'm a worst-case-scenario girl, I thought it would be totally clean and we'd be ordering IVF meds today. Instead, you know what was there? A new fibroid. In the cavity. That he wants to remove in the OR.

So let's review the deck stacked against our heroine at this point:
-PCOS/unexplained infertility
-Recurrent/unexplained loss
-Slightly hypothyroid
-And today, a bonus fibroid

I have a history of a few fibroids that until now, did not excite anyone. They were out of the way, and even as recently as in March when my longtime RE did a hysteroscopy, there was nothing inside the cavity. So of course I'm totally weirded out by this whole thing (where did it come from? did it move? how did it just spring up out of nowhere?) and since I hardly know this new RE and had years of trust built up with the one that got us H, I reached out to her. She was so lovely to call me and talk about it and look at today's images, which I emailed her. And then I asked her if she could do the procedure, and she basically told me it's time to cut the cord.

I know she's right. But sometimes I don't like the sound of the truth. I heard a lot of that kind today.

So where are we? Hell if I know. I'll tell you what it feels like: It feels like someone is trying to tell me something.

All I know is it's hard to keep on dreaming when the facts keep whispering to you that the dream is over.


Turia said...

Oh Egg. I just wish for ONCE you could get good news.

Did you switch REs because you moved house? Have you had a chance to talk strategy with your new RE beyond the removal of this fibroid?

I just wish so much you could catch a break.

Caroline said...

Wishing you could catch a break too.

Wish I had more to say.


Brianna said...

If I wasn't at work right now, I would be crying at this post. Much of it is how I'm feeling, too. Hugs to you.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to read this. I wish things could be different for you.

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