Monday, March 23, 2015

An Involuntary Mission

Here's what kind of everyone needs to know about me. This quest for another baby, this never-ending mission? It's not voluntary. It doesn't feel like an optional choice to me. I have four PGD-screened embryos with the same genetic makeup as H in a freezer right now, and the drive to bring one of them home where he belongs feels as obvious and vital to me as taking in air several times a day.

I get it. I've been at this for a long time. People are sick of hearing about it. I'm sick of hearing about it. I'm sick of talking about my reproductive plans publicly. I didn't ask for this to be my "thing" in life. But it is what it is, and it's part of me, and I need to talk and write about it to understand how to think about it. To keep my prefrontal cortex from malfunctioning. And I need to keep going. I need to try until there are no more options. Because I still -- despite all the evidence to the contrary that's presented itself over the past four years -- I still believe he's out there.

So you don't have to understand or agree with my willingness to put my embryo inside another lady and go broke in the process. But just know that that choice was made for me when five embryos tested healthy in November 2013. 


7 comments:

Holly said...

ugg. I get it. This insane drive does not stop, does not go away. Before our gestational carrier we had transferred 7 embryos and lost our twins so late in the game. That did not stop me from pursing their siblings. We have 3 "normals" on ice and are working on formulating a plan! I understand the do anything to complete a family feeling. If you feel he is out there, then he is.

Julia Spencer said...

I agree with Holly!

Non Sequitur Chica said...

I think this is completely normal. I will be doing whatever I can in my quest to complete my family with a second child.

Turia said...

I wouldn't be able to leave them in the freezer either, no matter the cost.
xoxo

My Vegas said...

Hugs to you!!

Caroline said...

Sending love. I hope your determination to build the family you deserve is rewarded. I hate that is has to be such a challenge

Conceptionally Challenged said...

I worry that this is hard to understand outside this community of people trialed by fire. Honestly, even when we first filled out the IVF paperwork, I only had a vague idea of what to think about the possibilities of leftover embryos. It was just too abstract. Now though, they are my babies, a promise that seems almost reachable. I'll bring home as many of them as I reasonably can.
Much love to you and your family. I hope that the little sibling for H is out there, waiting to be in your arms.

 
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