Thursday, October 14, 2010

To Have and Have Not

So I survived yet another surgery on my girl parts yesterday, thanks to my friend versed. It went well in that I got through it with very little pain, though I still felt foggy for most of the day today.

Here's what didn't go so well: She got only 70 percent of the adhesions. Apparently they can't stay in there all day long once they start (something about fluid absorption reaching a limit), so since my ute was in worse shape than anticipated, she ran out of time at 70 percent. For the math challenged out there, that leaves 30 percent to get out. Which means that I? Was so right in hoping to avoid a c-section in the first place (not that I had much control, in the end). I'll be headed back into the OR after a month on estrace followed by two weeks on provera and an in-office hysteroscopy.

The other thing I learned is that the worse the adhesions are, the greater the risk of placenta complications during pregnancy, like placenta previa (which I had with H) and placenta accreta, the scary condition in which the placenta burrows too deeply into the uterus, sometimes requiring hysterectomy during childbirth.

My doctor still thinks my Asherman's case is only a "3" on a scale of 1-10, and remains quite optimistic about my chances of conceiving again (though she said the scarring had affected at least one of my tubes, which further diminishes any minuscule chance of it happening au naturale).

Am I optimistic? I guess you could say I'm cautiously optimistic. I hope to give H a sibling, which is why I'm going down this path again (and it turns out to be a good thing I'm starting now). I know I would not be content to simply watch my 30s slip away without at least giving it a shot.

But in the meantime, what I am is 100% determined not to let this -- infertility, Asherman's, bad luck -- get in the way of my enjoying H's babyhood. It seems to me that it's easy enough on a normal day to let the moments pass without notice. Add the time and emotional drain that is infertility treatment and it becomes even easier. It would be the ultimate sad irony to sacrifice the sweetest moments with baby #1 in pursuit of baby #2. And it just won't happen.

It won't happen in part because no matter what the answer is this time -- another baby or not -- there is a baby boy upstairs, right now, who already made me a mother. And I owe it to myself, to my son and to every single woman out there still in the fight for motherhood to fully appreciate what I have without pining away for more, or at least without letting that longing overcome the joy.

And so, now back to my regularly scheduled life as a mother.


Trinity said...

I am happy to hear that all went relatively well with your surgery! I know 70% isn't 100%, but that still sounds high and hopeful to me. I cringed at the thought of you needing a second procedure, though... It totally pisses me off that you have to wrangle with the Asherman's on top of IF.

You're so right though... I don't think I've ever understood the value of being present, of enjoying this very moment, as well as I understand it now. You're a good mama. ;)

Thinking of you and wishing you a speedy rebound...

Anonymous said...

Glad you recovered well, even if the surgery wasn't a total success. That sucks that you're going to have to go back under the knife, but I think your attitude is amazing. Being present in the present is so hard to do these days, and so important. I hope I can do the same when I am a mother.

anofferingoflove said...

what a great attitude to keep in mind. we felt the same way when ttc#2 (er, and #3). of course we wanted it to work, but it just didnt feel as urgent. we stayed focused on our beautiful daughter and didnt let the stress of ttc get in the way of enjoying every second. sooo much better this time around ;)

Roccie said...

You are tough and I am so proud to hear you talk like this. If you slip, let us know and we can talk you right back up.

Living in the moment is such a strength.

Jamie said...

I'm glad to hear your surgery went well. Even if they were only able to take care of 70% of the adhesions it sounds like the procedure was more successful than not.

Every now and then I find myself wistful and sad, thinking about the possibility of not being able to have another baby. Then I am shocked and horrifed with myself because Skeeter is enough - anything else would be a double blessing.

I like what you said about not letting the 'normal' moments pass by without notice. They are all so precious.

Anonymous said...

Egg, you always have such a wonderful attitude. I'm struggling with some jealousy about pregnant women again and longing for #2, but my husband is not on the same page at all, which makes it harder. But you are so right, I have a ridiculously adorable baby girl asleep upstairs to enjoy and cherish.

I'm glad you were relatively pain free, but I'm sorry about the 30% remaining adhesions. That sucks.

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