Tuesday, January 29, 2013


So, picking up again, here's where we are.

The miscarriage isn't over, ladies and ladies. My last beta was on Saturday, and the level was...drumroll...1.6. This is down from 3.5 the week before. I've been bleeding again, for the past week and a half. I found out I was pregnant in October. The calendar says it's January. Will this one ever end?

Meanwhile, there was one final, craptastic piece of bad news I needed to hear about this loss: the result of the genetic testing. I suppose I'm grateful we had a result at all, as I realize this is not always the case. But it's not easy, no matter how mature and rational you think you can be, to hear about what was wrong with the fetus you thought might be your baby. I shook while the nurse told me this one had Trisomy 8. And although I knew it may not be totally advisable, I let her also share that it was XX.

We all build our own framework of how we think the world works: who God is, how we're all here, when we believe life begins. We listen to politicians debate the same, and sometimes we vote based on those beliefs. But those views are all theoretical, aren't they, until the lines are all blurred when we find out we're pregnant with a much-wanted baby and then it's gone as quickly as it came. Our frameworks break down. We're left with questions, curiosities. This fetus had a beating heart inside of me. Yet Trisomy 8 is a condition incompatible with life. So was it ever alive? Can you have a beating heart and not be alive? Was it ever really a girl if it could never actually be a person? It makes my head hurt. To say nothing of my heart.

When my beta finally reaches zero I will go in for a recurrent miscarriage panel to ensure nothing else is going on other than wonky, old eggs with genetic defects. Then I will try one IVF cycle and see if it works. I have no idea if it will, or if this is a good plan or where I will be if it doesn't work. Or if it does. At this point, I have questions and no answers.

Friends and family members are getting good pregnancy news. I have authentic, deep, boundless joy for them. Truly. But may I also admit this thought: why not me too? It wouldn't take anything away from anyone else, would it, for the universe to grant just one more? Why not a wait that ends with good news, just one more time, for this girl too?

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