Tuesday, October 8, 2013

No Crystal Balls

Met with the new RE. Loved her. I've got my team. Now, assuming my post-surgery saline sonohystogram is clean tomorrow morning, it's time for the Hail Mary pass.

Started the Pill and already feel insane. Jittery, irrational, snappish as only artificial hormones can bring. My husband was trying to open a cellophane bag at one point when I was on the phone with the doctor's office today and I think my glare shot real laser beams through his core. I hope we both survive this.

A family member is pregnant, and there are all the complicated feelings -- you know. Another family member brought it up with me and I felt like she wanted me to be all unicorns and rainbows about it, and I tried to put on a good show. She acknowledged my struggle and told me I should be more positive about what's ahead. She said she had a good feeling. 

My ears are sort of dead to that at this point. There is no seeing, no knowing. Someone else's made-up optimism doesn't really do anything for me. I don't need optimism, pessimism, a fortune cookie, a rabbit's foot. What I need most of all is for you to tell me that no matter how the coin falls, you'll be there. To catch me, to whisper brave words. To distract me if it works, to bring a bottle of wine if it doesn't. To tell me it's going to be okay.


Caroline said...

When a hail mary pass works out in the game, it's so damn exciting. I hope things get crazy exciting for you.

Totally feel ya on others made up optimism. Let's be real. Shit happens. I wish it wouldn't, especially to good people. But hopefully in between there is a lot of really good happening too.

Turia said...

I will be here. Promise.

I'm really glad you're giving IVF another try. I think it makes sense to let the doctors try and grow the best possible eggs.

I have had too many friends hit the wall in the last year, so I firmly believe I am due for a friend whose last chance works out. And that, I am fervently hoping, will be you.


Roccie said...

I will be here too.

But I will be angry we cannot share the wine in person because: 1.) you are pregnant, or, 2.) we don't live near each other.

Come on Number One.

You are brave. It just isn't for the weak hearted to keep at this for so long. We are here w you.

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