Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Here We Go.

Am solidly full of estrogen. Up to 3 mg twice a day. If you see me in real life, and you are a good and decent person just minding your own business, you may want to run the other way. Consider yourself warned.

The transfer has been set and it is just days away. Am suddenly full of superstition and caution. Do not speak of the thing. We will transfer a single euploid embryo into a uterus primed for it, with the perfect cocktail of hormones my body is likely unable to produce when left to its own. I can find ready reason for optimism, data showing odds in line with egg donors, 25-year-olds. I can also find the stories of those who've come before me, did the work then rolled the dice and came up short.

I keep trying to figure out what to think. I keep looking for a mantra I can cling to. A framework for how to be ready for the disappointment, or how to balance realism and joy should it work. I've allowed myself some dreamy moments, daring to imagine that we might get to the other side of this with a real baby. A name popped in my head tonight and a chill of recognition ran through me. Do I allow myself these moments, or do they make more pain in the end? I've been in this game for six years and I still don't know the answer to that question.

Then there are the practical considerations, all the managing of this process, all the making sure nothing is missed. Calling the nurse to make sure TSH is added to my labs. Finding a prenatal vitamin with DHA already built in. Figuring out PIO shots (I used Crinone for my past cycles). Looking into the benefits of bedrest after transfer (apparently in the years since our cycle for H the tide has turned and they now do not recommend it). Trying to prevent regrets.

I asked the doctor this week if they recommend or use Valium during the transfer. My previous clinic did not, though it was an option. I do remember being overwhelmed by the intensity of the transfer -- being in the sterile OR, having a tiny life squirted into you as you try not to cough or pee your full bladder out. And there seems to be a suggestion that a relaxed uterus is optimal. My clinic gave me the option, and I guess my inclination is, sure, anything to escape my brain for a minute or two sounds lovely right now. But I can't seem to find any data showing an impact on outcomes, either way. So, did you or didn't you? Advice welcome.

Also welcome: funny stories. Hollywood gossip. Fashion tips. Your favorite banana bread recipe. A great playlist. Anything, dear readers, anything to keep me from thinking of the thing.


Caroline said...

Tonight we watched the very silly movie The Internship. Not baby related in the slightest. Not a quality film either, but a good distraction from ones thoughts. Maybe Netflix/Redbox/Hulu it?

My latest obsession has been peppermint icecream. I buy the Dreyers brand. I suggest you hunt it down and get some yourself. The hunt will prove to be a nice something to do, but also icecream will be good to have on hand regardless of the outcome, yes? Yes. Icecream is always a correct answer. Trust me, this seasonal one is delish.

If I can think of something else, I'll come back. But it's nearly midnight and my brain is mush (so much so I needed to ensure I was typing brain and not Brian). But please know that I'm holding out hope for you. So much hope. Will light a candle and keep you in thought. And seriously, go get some icecream. :)

Brianna said...

One thing to keep your mind filled (absently) is to watch old shows on Netflix, like Buffy or Angel or Charmed or some other silly show that, despite its awfulness you will get sucked in.

Turia said...

My last transfer involved Ativan because I started crying and the ultrasound tech told me that was bad for the uterus. So I'd take the Valium- it can't hurt, right? (And you don't have to drive home, right?)

It is the management of the process that I am finding particularly exhausting this time around. There is just always so much to do.

As for how to react, well, thus far I've tried "get convinced it had worked" and "stay positive but don't read into things". This time around I'm going for "resigned acceptance of whatever happens". Maybe that will provoke a different result.

Oh hun, I wish so so so much that this is IT for you. The only helpful thing I can think of is you have FOUR more on ice. The stakes are not high with this one. Maybe that will help keep things relaxed?

PS. I like period films for distraction- lots of foolish women trying to find husband while wearing frilly dresses.

Roccie said...

Ugh. I've been one of those suckers who came up short. From this end, it's easy to say I looked at the big picture but I'm not so sure it was the reality when shit went down.

Valium it up. Recreational purposes ALONE I recommend it. My husband was hilarious and cute and charming. I Valium loved the hell out of him.

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