Tuesday, June 2, 2015

A Day in the Life of My Brain

E! News: Next, Kim Kardashian opens up to E! about her long struggle to conceive baby #2. 

Really? Her long struggle? She doesn't know about a long struggle. If she'd needed surrogacy, she could have paid for it from her change jar.

I am a bad person. If I were evolved and decent, I would be happy for her. I would welcome her into the infertility and loss clan with open arms.

But why couldn't my struggle end happily? Why am I cursed? Will the curse continue with this next round? Or is it like starting fresh when you use someone else's uterus?

Maybe we're crazy for doing this. What if we spend all of this money to get to transfer and it doesn't work? Then we'll be stressed about money and still without a second baby. Will I regret doing it?

Maybe we should forget it.

Maybe we should adopt.

Adoption is hard.

I want to adopt my own embryos.

I can't just leave them there. It's not fair to H. We are stewards of his biological brothers. This is a lifetime bond and he deserves a shot at it. It's not even our decision to make. They exist, and we need to give them a chance.

Most people don't have to spend $50,000 to have a baby. Why me? It is so unfair.

I'm a prisoner. There is no escape but to move forward. I don't even dare to hope that this might end happily.

Where's the chocolate?


Turia said...

Hugs, hun. Thinking of you. Hope the right steps are in place to move forward, as hard and scary as that is.

I'll join you with the chocolate.

Caroline said...

I'm sorry, but fuck Kim Kardashian and her bogus "struggle" Her daughter isn't even TWO so by the time she started trying to the time she got pregnant it couldn't have possibly been that long. I have NO sympathy for her. Furthermore the last thing this world needs is another Kardashian/West. If it were someone awesome who is a positive contribution to society and maybe would raise children to be such, I would be happy. But no. I'm just ragey for you and for me and for all the people who have actually struggled to create a family.

design by suckmylolly.com