Saturday, March 22, 2014

Fetal Demise

I wanted her to stop scanning. I almost stood up and had her start over. It seemed like if she did, maybe something would change and she wouldn't say the words I knew were about to come out. Maybe we'd stop hurtling toward the cliff we were all about to fall off, together. It didn't look right. The screen was still. She looked too long.

I said, "Is there a heartbeat?"

She said, she gasped, "No."

And even though I expected her to say it, the room turned, slowed. It was a dream, a reel of film. It couldn't be real life.

I said, "Take H. out of here." I begged her to look again. Even though I knew she wouldn't see anything different. She ran and got the doctor. I measured 16 weeks 6 days. It should have been 17 weeks 5 days. It happened sometime late last week, she said. She couldn't tell me why.

I let them scan my poor baby some more. I let them look for clues. And even though my most searing pain was for my boys, the one that was lost and the ones in the waiting room, I knew we were in it together, he and I. Because when he died, a part of me went with him.

21 comments:

conceptionallychallenged said...

Oh my god, I'm so very sorry to read this. I don't even know what to say. Thinking of you and your boys, and sending much love.

Stacie said...

I am so, so sorry. Much love to you.

birdsandsquirrels said...

Oh god. No no no no no. Fuck. I am so so sorry Egg. Tears for your sweet baby. This is so incredibly fucking unfair. I feel like screaming. There are just no words. I am so so so so sorry my friend.

Brianna said...

No! I am sending you so much love and hugs right now. I am crying for you and your family. I am so sorry.

Caroline said...

My heart just sank.

Fuck. God damn it universe.

I'm so, so profoundly sorry.

Devastated with and for you.

mummydr said...

Oh no I am so sorry. You have been through so much, this is so unfair. Hugs and prayers.

Turia said...

I have "talked" to you already, but wanted to write again and again and again how sorry I am, and how fucking unfair this is. My heart is breaking for you.
xoxo

Amelia said...

I have no words other then so much love being sent to you. My heart breaks with yours. I am beyond sorry.

Heather said...

I am so sorry for your loss.

Julia Spencer said...

I am so sorry. After all you have been through already. Fuck no. Not you. Not this baby. Not after this long.

My heart is breaking for you.

Mel said...

Oh no. I'm so sorry. I have no words for this level of awful. So so sorry.

anofferingoflove said...

oh honey, my heart just broke apart for you. i know there are no words...sending love your way.
*tears*

Suzanne said...

My heart breaks for you. I have no words. Simply not fair. The universe sucks, indeed, but my thoughts are with you and I'm so very sorry.

Esperanza said...

I am so sorry for your devastating lose.

Abiding with you during this impossible time.

jAllen said...

so sorry for your loss. So devastating

Lollipop Goldstein said...

I am so incredibly sorry. Sending peace of heart.

M said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.

gwinne said...

I am so sorry.

Amanda said...

My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

St Elsewhere said...

Extremely Sorry.

Elisha Kearns said...

I am so very sorry. I just can't imagine. Hugs to you.

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