Thursday, March 27, 2014

Stop All the Clocks

Around every corner is a new grief. A fresh loss, a new way to feel the tragedy. When he left, a whole world went with him. Scenes from what might have been keep playing in my mind's eye, like an outtakes reel, the alternative ending. A baby boy's coat cuts my breath. The realization that they will do an autopsy sickens.


What is it that keeps us going when our hearts and minds wish the world would stop turning around us? Even as I question whether I can keep taking in air, imprisoned by incomprehensible pain, there is a distant voice that whispers, "hold on." 

I think it must be Grace. I just wish I didn't need it right now. Wish I didn't have to prove I am strong enough to get to the other side of this.


16 comments:

Holly said...

You are such a sweet mama. Grace is the only thing that kept/keeps me breathing. To live is painful right now and often can't even be escaped in sleep. Much love to you.

K said...

Hang in there...I've been there too...it's so hard...

Amelia said...

You will survive. I'm so so sorry that you have to go through this at all. Sending light and love.

Brianna Williams said...

My heart is breaking for you. This was beautifully written. Sending love to you and your family.

Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples said...

Oh my goodness. I just found your blog and I'm so sorry for your devastating loss. Infertility is hard enough without something like this as well. Wishing you peace and healing.

Turia said...

Here. Thinking of you. There will be good moments again. You told me that yourself. You will survive. Hold tight to H. when you can.
xoxo
T.

conceptionallychallenged said...

The early days are so awfully hard.
Thinking of you.

Caroline said...

You're in a thick fog of grief. It feels suffocating at times because it is. But it will clear some. And sometimes come back. And then clear some again.

Holding you close at heart.

Roccie said...

Oh my God. Why did this happen to you and your family? I am struck with grief for your loss. I am just sick. I am so very sorry for your loss.

I know how amplified it feels when you see it through the eyes of a sibling. You are losing your dreams with the new baby and your H. I am so very sorry.

It's so up and down for so long. The bottoms are so low. Try to keep an eye for the bottom. Oh my dear, dear friend. I am so very sorry.

waterbelle44 said...

I hate this for you. Hate it. Abiding with you.

Marcy said...

Here from the Lost and Found. Sending you peace and grace during this devastating time. Lots of love to your family from a stranger in Seattle.

Mo said...

I am just catching up with you via LFCA - and am in tears for you. I just can't believe it - this is so cruel and unfair and horrible. My heart goes out to you and your family. F you, universe, indeed. I am so tremendously sorry for your loss.

Mo said...

I am just catching up with you via LFCA - and am in tears for you. I just can't believe it - this is so cruel and unfair and horrible. My heart goes out to you and your family. F you, universe, indeed. I am so tremendously sorry for your loss.

Reese said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. There are no words. Please know you are not alone in your grief.

jAllen said...

The words of W.H. Auden.
I'm hoping you find some answers, although I know it doesn't change the outcome. Wishing you comfort during this painful time.

Heather said...

Hang in there. Give yourself time to grieve what you have lost. (((Hugs)))

 
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