Sunday, November 9, 2014

This Christmas

I just received an invitation to a perinatal loss holiday remembrance service at the hospital where my peri is, where we got the devastating news. While I think it's lovely that they offer such a thing as a comfort to women in my shoes, I will not be going.

I just can't imagine anything more gut-wrenching or less satisfying than sitting with all of these other families with sad stories, mourning people we loved fiercely but never really knew. After all, there isn't really much to remember. I was robbed of that. So I'm sure there are people who would benefit from such a service, but to me no good can come of it.

But this Christmas, I just refuse to let it bring me down. It will not win. Instead of soaking in grief, I will be marinading in the pure joy that is Christmas through my four-year-old's eyes. This is prime time. And though there will be moments of sadness, of realization that there is a whole imaginary track of my life that isn't playing out as it should be, there is also so much to celebrate.

I put the invitation in the shredder. It felt kind of good.


Caroline said...

Please don't ever worry about offending me. I think different events at different times of year all impact us differently. Plus, I'm in a very different season of grief than you are right now and that's normal and ok and truth be told the shredder may have been a tempting option for me in 2010.


Turia said...

Good for you for trying to find the joy.

E. has been wondering about what he might ask Santa for. Thus far he has come up with "a new picture book and a big cup that is red."


Anonymous said...

Anything that makes you feel better, or even "kind of good", is fine.
(I did go to this event from my clinic. And it was hard. My husband didn't go because it didn't feel right for him. And I much rather go on my own than drag him to something this though.)

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