Sunday, December 14, 2014

Like It Never Happened

Just survived a visit from the in-laws, they of the pretend-it-never-happened camp. My MIL thought that the parking space for mothers with infants at my local supermarket was appropriate conversation fodder. And while we waited with H for a visit with Santa, she wanted to make sure I saw the little baby Uggs the store had on display.

I do not have an explanation for this behavior. There seems to be a general avoidance of emotions in the family. Not like: Soldier on. More like: Brush it under whatever's nearby.

I do know that on a few occasions, I wanted to walk into the room of all of them sitting around talking about inside-baseball family goings-on and scream, Do you realize that a member of this family is sitting in a freezer right now?

I should have.

What they and basically everyone need to know about me, from this point forward is this: Wherever I go, whatever I do, there is someone missing.


Anonymous said...

Your last line is so sad and beautiful and true.

I'm sorry about the ignorant relatives. As if we weren't hurting enough. Hugs.

Turia said...

I am so sorry. So sorry. For all of it and especially for the idiot relatives, especially at this time of year.

Your last line is so very true and so very sad.

Anonymous said...

I saw your blog linked from another IF blog and just wanted to lend support.

I lost a child two years ago at 24 weeks due to unexplained PProm. There was no explanation. He was perfect and then he was just. Gone. We had also struggled with secondary infertility before conceiving him (and still do). My relatives, particularly my in laws, behaved exactly in that unfathomable manner. It took my breath away how uncaring and just completely out of touch they seemed---as if maybe I'd had a hang nail. Even my own sister (though much better than the in laws) would point out cute babies not long after it happened and try to compare her very early miscarriage as if it were the same thing. It was as if everyone (aside from my husband) was just impatiently glancing at their watches and waiting for me to "feel better" and get on with it already. But I am a different person now and my precious child is gone. I think many people are incapable of understanding it as a death in the family rather than simply a second trimester loss. And it's maddening.

My approach now is to give people in my everyday life as little information as possible about our journey. I've tried to cope with tactless remarks by zoning out and repeating "they know not what they do" in my head. I will not say I know just how you feel, because everyone's journey is so different and our lost children unique. I will only say that I know the well of despair and acute anguish (made worse by insensitivity) and just wanted to say I am so sorry.

justonemore said...

Ugh. I am quite confident our in-laws are related.

design by