Sunday, April 13, 2014

Broken

I am told to plant a tree or get a bench outside and dedicate it to the one who was lost.

I'm sorry, but screw that.

I wanted to show him the snow, the stars, love.

I'm broken. I can't even breathe. What can a bench possibly do?

I am an unsatisfied customer. I want my money back. What was the point of that? He grew for 16.6 weeks. Never breathed air. Never knew joy. Did he know joy? I don't know. Did he know pain? Did he suffer? I can't stand the thought.

It's so abstract, so unsatisfying to grieve an unborn baby. There are no memories. Who was he? What did he look like? I'll never know. A pathologist knows. I can only guess.

When I think of the joy we almost had, how close we were to happily ending this seven-year odyssey I want to throw things, beat my chest, scream primally. All signs point to permanent damage.


3 comments:

holly said...

I'm so sorry for you loss. You are right, no bench, no tree could do your little ones memory justice.

conceptionallychallenged said...

You're right, there is nothing that will ever be enough. I'm so sorry.
The night after my waters broke, we went outside to "show our girls the stars", as that was something I had really wanted to do, and I feared this would be the last chance I got. I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

Brianna said...

There is nothing right now that is enough. In time, you may find something that you want to do in his memory, but right now all you want is him. I understand.

 
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