Saturday, April 12, 2014

Random Thoughts from the Bell Jar

Have you ever felt a sadness so visceral, so cutting, so arresting, it actually makes you anxious? I hope you never do. Because I now have, and it's hell.

Today I have the unpleasant task of changing my closet back from the maternity wonderland I'd just recently created in it, to -- what? A mishmash of patchwork outfits that will somehow fit this sad, confused body that's too small for maternity and too large for the skinny clothes I'd finally, finally made it back into 3.5 years post-H. So thank you, universe, for adding fashion emergency to the long list of total suckage I must face in the wake of fetal death.

There should be a service that swoops in and takes away maternity clothes, replacing them with loose but adorable items that tide you over until you can at least get your old body back, even if you'll never have your baby. If I suddenly come into money I may start one of those, along with a spa-like center for late D&Es, where you put on a plush white robe, have your procedure and then move into the massage/pedicure/facial treatment room with a glass of orange-infused water and a stack of glossy magazines. Much unlike the real D&E situation, which I am gearing up to finally talk about.

Grief brings so much material. There are so many things swirling around in my head, so much to get out.

This week I began to feel like I ruined my life with this IVF cycle. Because what it most likely left us with is embryos in the freezer, nowhere to put them (since my uterus is clearly the incubator of doom) and a loss I will probably never stop grieving. The last leg of our journey may be a completely unfulfilled longing and potential babies I may have to let go. I can barely type the words.


Julia Spencer said...

What a hellish ride. You have been through so much and being forced to clean out your closet just adds insult to injury. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this pain and loss. It just isn't fair.

Brianna said...

No words. Just hugs and love.

Amelia said...

I've been there. I'm so so sorry. Sending light and love.

Conceptionally Challenged said...

I'm sorry. Everything is so hard in those days. I didn't really care what I wore in the first weeks, but I do remember being annoyed at typical post-pregnancy side effects, such as having to stop and cross my legs to sneeze, without a baby to show for it.
Your last paragraph is heartbreaking. I so wish there had been a different outcome.

Caroline said...

I remember hating wearing maternity clothes after and then when my regular clothes did fit and people told me "well you look great" as if it was supposed to be some compliment, and it was just a reminder of what I didn't have and a life I was going back to that I didn't want to be a part of anymore

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