Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Pretend There's a Happy Ending

It's a fight to keep above the current.

Progress is being made. Honestly the other night I was so terrified I'm finding more gratitude in small moments.

But there are traps everywhere. Let me look for a fun beach hat for the summer, I thought tonight in a sudden burst of optimism. A search on Pinterest for "beach hats" yielded a woman sitting cross-legged on the sand, adorable beach hat on her head, huge baby bump in her middle. That should have been me. How can I not be sad about that?

The whole thing is starting to feel more abstract. At first it seemed like a dream that he was lost, and now it almost seems possible the pregnancy itself was the dream.

Early on, there was a pregnancy fair at my local hospital. It felt a little bit like tempting fate, but we went mainly for the maternity floor tour. When we arrived, they handed H. a "big brother" sticker, and my first thought was that if something happened, that would be a moment that made me cry. That is true.

Upstairs, during the L&D tour, as I asked the nurse questions, I felt like an actress in a play about someone expecting a baby. It felt like I was asking for someone else. I thought it seemed silly, like make believe.

Turns out, I was right about that too.


Julia Spencer said...

I HATE that you were right about that, and I hate that I am familiar with that feeling too.

Why did this happen to you? I am still so very mad. I know you are too.

I feel relief for you that you are making progress and finding some gratitude. That is no small feat after everything you have been through.

Keep talking to us, friend.

K said...

Tere are traps everywhere :( hard to escape it....I didn't even tell my daughter I was pregnant until 36 weeks...I was petrified of losing another one and having to tell her...

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. The "triggers everywhere" part is something I'm still learning to deal with.

Oddly, I also felt like an imposter while I was pregnant with the twins. I'm so sorry we both were right on that. I don't feel like an imposter now and hope that that's a good sign, but then, I don't quite know what to trust anymore.

The "big brother" sticker is heartbreaking.

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