Wednesday, April 16, 2014

No Answer

I got the call I dreaded today. From the surgeon who did the procedure.

Pathology is complete. There is no answer. No clues were found. 

On top of this, they screwed up my testing so a karyotype could not be obtained. Since this was a PGD cycle, I'm told there's "only" a 2-3 percent chance the cause was genetic, within the margin of error of the original microarray. When you've previously been in the 1 percent for something, a 2-3 percent chance is not a comfort.

So maybe the answer was there and we'll never know. Or maybe there is no answer. Maybe it was just one of those things. Horrible things happen and sometimes we just cannot know why. 

We can't have this baby, we've known that for a month. The one thing that could have granted us a small solace, a way to wrap our heads around the loss too big to fit in a form we can manage, was an answer. And now we can't have that either. It feels so cruel. It feels like calling out for help and getting nothing in return. It feels like being left alone, for the rest of my life, with a pain I'll never understand.

It feels like losing him all over again.


Caroline said...

I'm so sorry. Just so very, very sorry. I wish you had an answer, but just wish you had him and didn't even need one

Julia Spencer said...

This is terrible. I am so sorry you don't have this important information. This sucks bigtime.

Brianna said...

I'm so very sorry :( Hugs to you.

K said...

It stinks. I ended up sending the pathology slides the hospital keeps to California to see if they could grow chromosomes. They were able to, but both were normal males. Still no answers :( hang in there...

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. It's not fair.
We didn't have any autopsies done as it wasn't likely we'd get an answer from them, so I can only imagine how hard it must be to have all that done and still not know.
Thinking of you.

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